Well, the announcements have been made, School will officially be in session come september... This is great news for some, and terrifying news for others, and frustrating news for some, and anxiety provoking news for some, and impossible news for others... What to do, what to do... I saw a really good Meme and shared it on facebook. it goes something like this...
I actually only found out this news through a friend... i'm someone whose stopped watching the news and the facts and the numbers... I'm in a fortunate position that my husband likes to do that stuff, so I don't have to, and I dont worry as much cause I know if something important happens, i'll be informed by him or someone else...
So yesterday I was informed about the schools opening full time full capacity... yikes!! Let me clarify that we've been hyper vigilant up until now. Not attending church, only seeing people in our safety bubble like close family and specific (not all) neighbors whose freindships bennefit our family's mental health and overall well being... no restaurants, click and collect groceries... etc...
so the idea of sending our kids to school with hundreds of other kids, where they can all pick each others noses, run in the same gym room, sing in the same choir room, eat each other's lunches... share water bottles etc... is legitimately terrifying to me. I have asthma. So does my father in law. So does my mother (and to a much more severe extent)... So we HAVE to be careful... If one of us catches corona, it is much more serious than the average adult...
That being said, I am also a mom with ADHD and I have already thoroughly explored any possibilities of homeschooling in my past (more functional) life... I know i'm not capable of doing it... and yet, here we are once again, considering homeschooling as a very real option for our family, for our safety...
and here we are once again, with me using this blog as my therapist-style journal! haha!
Last night I was awake from 1 AM until 5 AM... not a great night's sleep. But I am proud to say I didn't look at a screen once during that whole insomnia time. Instead I read my bible, ate some crappy junk food, took Josiah outside to look at the stars (he was also not sleeping well), and made these INCREDIBLY DETAILED pro's/con's lists...
Oh man this was a tough list to make... What's interesting is that I went about it in a pretty random order... I didn't just sit and say "what are the goods" and then after that make a "bads" list. I just had all four columns in front of me and sorted my adhd spaghetti soup thoughts out as they flooded into my mind... I found this the most raw and authentic way to really process both the anxieties and the hopes for the fall... the realities and the hypotheticals. We still haven't made our decision though... in addition to our own pro's/con's come family considerations... when our kids are in school and their friends or cousins are in different schools, will they be allowed to see each other? will it be safe to do so when the weather cools off? That's all an extra aside to all our own considerations, but when you're the "crazy safety freaks" compared to most people right now, they weigh pretty heavily on the heart... really... when I'm in a room with someone, I see myself in a room with them and EVERYONE they've seen for the past 2 weeks... so... church? if our kids go to school, absolutely not... cause a room of 5 kids in sundayschool looks more like 500 kids to me... the anxiety that has reared it's head with covid, is very real, and very legitimate... so how do we even make these sorts of decisions?
I tend to try and look on the lighter side of life, and live from one rainbow to the next... so even for a tough decision like this one, It's fun to look back at last year and see how our time went at home... it was lots of good times mixed in with the bad. overall I look back at the portion of 2020 we've lived so far, with fondness and no regrets...
This is a photo from one of Sammy's first preschool assignments at home, to write out a pets name and take a photo.
He had a unit on pete the cat that was very fun too... both boys would watch the stories together and then sammy would do his school work and josiah did his.
And the book about the coconut tree, which covers the alphabet in upper and lower case....
I specifically remember before covid started that I felt as though we were losing Josiah to the school system... his bus rides are an hour each way so he is gone from 7:40 AM till 4:30 pm... and when you go to bed at 7, that's not much family time during the week, especially once you add in home reading and any other homework, plus supper time... We were at a crossroads with him when Covid started. I was genuinely relieved to have him home when things first started... He needed it and so did we. And I was surprised to realize tha Levi needed it too. Josiah and Levi were practically strangers, and being home was a hugely positive thing for their relationship...
The family time and memories have been amazing... forced at times, strained, a little bit crazy, but beautiful and cherished none the less...
and yes, we went stir crazy, and yes we lost our sanity... and yes, we had to cope like everyone else...
In fact, I ended up talking to my doctor and i have now been taking antidepressants for about 2 months, and I will be continuing to take them likely till next summer now... Covid may have been a catalyst to this, but it's something that I (in hindsight) have needed for quite a while. So is that a positive or a negative? And how does my mental health weigh into the school decision over my physical health risks as an Asthmatic?
The memories were good, and I know if we have to do it all over again, we will make the most of it yet again... here we are, sitting on our front step enjoying some of the first UV rays of the season together... as a family... A moment like this wouldn't have happened if we weren't all at home together like this.
Curtis taking Sammy to the hospital when he crushed his finger in some scaffolding in the spring (it wasn't broken thankfully). They were in and out in record time, and no waiting rooms...
School work was bitter sweet all the time. They loved it and hated it... but they always did it! It was a blessing for Josiah to have 1:1 time with me and to work on his work that may have otherwise slipped through the cracks as he can fake a pretty good game at school sometimes haha! So academically, having the teachers tell us what to do, but being able to work 1:1 with him was likely MORE beneficial for his learning than if he'd actually been in school.
Or the reality that Curtis was home enough to put the pedal to the medal and teach Sammy how to ride a 2-wheeler bike! There's a precious moment that happened thanks to being at home together.
Or what about hte fact that I can actually read these letters now Cause I was my son's ukranian teacher? hahaha! Do I know what words mean? no... but I can read'em! :)
Even Levi bennefited from all of this... undivided mom time... never having to be in a car seat or stroller for shopping or errands etc... and all the time in the world with his big brothers. It's a dream come true for a little bub!
So what will we do? What decision will we make? It really boils down to physical safety vs mental health in the end for us... we are in the fortunate positon of me being capable of homeschooling from a financial standpoint, so that doesn't even factor into the mix. what will we do? we don't know yet... but we are thankful to have a month to figure it out...
and so do you... you don't need to decide just yet.... But know you aren't alone in the struggle. You aren't the only one losing sleep... you aren't the only one who doesn't already know what choice they'll make, in the back of their heads... it's okay to not be okay with this... it's okay to be stressed. it's okay to lose sleep over it...
it's even okay to acknowledge that you have faith (like me) that God won't bring you home till it's your time... and yet you are anxious and conflicted about making a wise decision cause God also gave you a brain...
It's okay to feel guilt about making a choice that has compromises to it... because there's NO CHOICE without compromises to it in this mess... Each choice serves your own needs a little, and your kids needs a little... Each choice deprives you both a little bit too... each choice is both selfless and selfish, and that's okay..
Until theirs a cure or vaccine out there, normal isn't going to be what it once was... but we are now being faced with the timeline that we must choose what our new normal is going to be... like it or not, this decision isn't just about a school year, it feels a lot more like a life decision... like a career path choice, or marriage partner decision... if that's the level of stress you're feeling, you aren't alone... I'm right there with you, and I'll be praying for you as much as I'll be praying for myself in all of this...
Take care, and stay safe.
